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Thursday, November 15, 2012


Remember in 1999 when "No Scrubs" was being played like every five minutes? You were all "damn this is HOT (but shhh wait I'm white and 11 and live in NJ, what's a scrub? oh oh yeah I get it) and T-Boz is right--fuck those lazy azz dudes who just sit around on their moms' couches watching Rap City: The Basement and eating cereal, they can't get any of my time. I'm gonna just dance around this weird futuristic/plastic music video set with my 2 friends. One of them raps (RIP)." 

Sporty Thievez came out with 
"No Pigeons" 
you were like 
"Whoaaaaaa. Okay. Fuck these bitches" 

Oh wait, that was me. But MAYBE it was you TOO.

But regardless of which POV you liked better, you appreciated that both sides were being represented, right? Democracy! This should happen more! If Erykah's gonna tell her dude to call Tyrone, maybe he should tell her to call Tyra, ya know? 

So then you thought to yourself, "hmmm, self, you know your favorite rap song of all time that you're gonna love for the rest of your life?" "Oh yeah, I do, lemme go a head and link it here:"

"Yup, that's the one."
"Okay,what about it?"
"Well you know that people are gonna quote the opening line for the rest of eternity, so let's not even get into that. And let's not get into how that Isaac Hayes sample is freak nasty. And let's not even talk about how the first time you heard the last verse it actually WAS on a Halloween that fell on a weekend."
"Okay, what do you wanna say then?"
"Well what if two girls made a version of this that was super lewd and hilarious and used just a slightly horn-heavier sample of 'Hung up on my baby'?"
 "Oh damn that would be FIRE! Good thing it already exists.."
"Yeah, relax, just check it out:"

 "Holy shit, I can't believe she said 'My nipples get hard when the wind blows/if I see his car I'm breakin' all the windows'"
"Yeah I know, pretty wild right? And the whole album is just as good and has really funny skits and tight beats."
"Why don't you show everyone a pic of the cover?"
"Well okay."
DYSR recommends: Ghetto Girlz "Ain't Takin' No Shit"

"Yeah, you're right, that does look like something I would like."
"Yeah, dumbass, you should always listen to everything I say."

~And Scene~

If you liked what you just read, I will be performing a one woman show called "Is This That Thing?" at the Paper Mill Playhouse on March 4-6, 2013. Tickets are on sale at your local dominos, $5 off with  unused cheesy bread dipping sauce containers. Brighten a loved one's holiday today!


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